


i can lift a car (up all by myself)

by allyargents



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Post midseason finale, Raven POV, mostly raven grieving with a large emphasis on clarke, seriously what was that midseason finale, this is raven + clarke (platonic or romantic up to you), with background bellamy/clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-03 18:51:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2864417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyargents/pseuds/allyargents
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven was the youngest G1 mechanic in history, she took a left for dead ship through the atmosphere and she's roasted more grounders than anyone. She's more than capable, and she'll prove anyone who doubts it otherwise.</p>
<p>With the real stuff, though? With actual raw, all-encompassing grief? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She stopped dealing with that when she stopped getting her fair share of the rations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can lift a car (up all by myself)

Some people say that the love of your life dying is the worst feeling in the world.

To that, Raven scoffs.

 

The only friend you've got left (and quite possibly the best person left on this god-foresaken planet) stabbing the former love of your life? Way worse.

 

~

Raven was the youngest G1 mechanic in history, she took a left for dead ship through the atmosphere and she's roasted more grounders than anyone. She's more than capable, and she'll prove anyone who doubts it otherwise.

With the real stuff, though? With actual raw, all-encompassing _grief_? 

 

She stopped dealing with that when she stopped getting her fair share of the rations.

 

~ 

 

So instead of dealing with it, she cries and fixes (not herself, just some radios) and builds up anger like Finn built up a body count (it's a pretty crude metaphor, but she's too fucking tired to care.

 

~

 

Eventually, she has to talk to Clarke, she rationally grasps that. But since she's stalling, she might as well talk to Bellamy first. They basically read each others minds and all that (she's not offended by that or anything, her subconscious needs to stop making suggestions).

"Hey, kid."

He, naturally, replies with a well placed eyebrow raise and a careful "Raven." 

(She may have broken down in his arms, but they're still not really friends yet, and kid makes it sound like she wants something. Which isn't wrong, or anything.)

And since she wants something, she figures that subtlety, or at least an attempt, would help her out.

"How's Clarke?" 

A knowing look passes over his face, as he replies "A goddamned disaster. That's what happens when you kill the person you're in love with." Either Bellamy actually thinks that + he's an _idiot_  or he's defending his partner in crime the best he can, because she wasn't in love with him.

She wasn't because if Raven is fire, then Clarke is earth - Raven's a spitfire, but Clarke's as grounded as the dropship. Someone as grounded as Clarke physically  _cannot_ reconcile Finn of the past with Finn of the present. She just owes the ghost of the kid who walked in space (ironic, isn't it) enough to pretend.

Raven, on the other hand, owes it to that kid to double-check. No, that's not right - Finn'd rather a good lie than an ugly truth. She owes it to Clarke. 

"You know she wasn't in love with him, right?" 

He nods.

"Does it matter?" He shakes his head, takes a deep breath, and continues. "She was, and she killed him because a seventeen year old girl decided that she was the only person who could lead these people."

He's trying to defend her, but Raven's tired and grieving and it  _backfires,_ as she just goes on a rampage. "So my only family on the entire planet, no, the fucking  _universe_ is dead because your girlfriend decided to play God? How is that fair?" That last part is weaker than she would've liked, but he doesn't seem to catch it.

If she wanted to test Bellamy's temper, it worked, as he replies, smoke practically coming out of his ears " _Clarke_ killed Finn to save him from being tortured to death by a warrior tribe that he massacred. She decided to make the hard call, she didn't decide that it had to be made."

He has a point, but she doesn't want to admit it, so she just walks away. 

 

Fairness is a concept reigning her mind hours after the conversation.

 

~

 

Raven always thought Clarke was a badass, if she's being honest with herself. Smart, pretty, brave and sharp-tongued. Just like herself, of course. But Clarke had an empathetic and gentle side that she just couldn't usually find in herself.

Until recently, apparently.

 

But Clarke was gentle, and empathetic, and all that good stuff, so maybe if she's lucky, that's still worth a damn. 

So she talks to her, as a rational person would do.

"Finn was in love with you, the entire camp worships you at your feet, and Bellamy's definitely got a thing going on there. You killed a 17 year old kid, and no one feels any differently." Never said she'd actually say rational things. She's always preferred offense to defense.

"Point is, Raven." Clarke is tired, that much anybody can tell. She's got bags under her eyes the color of the night sky and even her eyes are moving more slowly than usual.

 

"Why?"

 

"I'm okay with the tough calls even when I'm invested in them. You and Bellamy are the best two leaders I've ever seen, but you're not exactly great with emotional attachment, and it's not like I trust the adults around here." It's weary, to the point and almost makes Raven feel sorry for her.

"Well then, let's make this a pop quiz. Why'd you make the call?"

"Finn didn't spend the last seconds of his life tortured, Raven. The girl" She pauses and coughs awkwardly before continuing (maybe she does feel something for the kid) "a girl he loves told him she reciprocated, he got to hold her as he died and he barely felt any pain. It was either that or grounder torture - you can't deny that."

Okay, maybe Clarke has a point. Raven has one last question, though.

"Did you reciprocate?" 

The next few seconds are the hardest of her life - if she says yes, it feels pretty traitorous, if she says no, it's even more so.

 

"No. But if we're all what we've done then we would've been floated ten times over. What Finn did may have been far more inhumane, but he deserved the least amount of pain possible. This got him that."

 

She's actually got some really good points, but she's not ready to admit it, so she settles for "passed the pop quiz, darling". 

 

It's close enough for now.

 

~

 

Raven goes to Clarke two days later. She's sitting on the floor of her tent, drawing flames on the floor.

"I thought I was the fire of the two of us." It's true, and probably overspeaks for their relationship, but maybe Raven wants to overspeak.

"Yeah, yeah you are, actually. That's why I'm drawing them on the earth." She pauses, clearly too sleep deprived for sentimentality, before she says "just because we're in a downright shitty world doesn't mean you deserve to burn out."

It's sweet enough of her that Raven sits down next to Clarke and lets the dust fall on her hands, and lets the conversation lull.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

It's sudden, and not what Raven expected, because Clarke is never sorry for the right decision.

"No, you're not. It was the right call." It's a moment of brutal honesty that makes the air in the room seem like both not enough and too much.

"I'm sorry for the consequences."

It's empathetic, and gentle, and everything that makes Clarke better than every damn person on this planet.

 

"Honestly, Clarke, it's not even your fault."

 

~

 

Bellamy walks by a few minutes later to see Clarke and Raven discussing the plans for Mount Weather side by side, Clarke's hand over Raven's.

He smiles a bit more easily that day.


End file.
